Everyone has a story. Everyone has a past. Thank God that everyone also has a future. I have been debating about sharing my past on this blog for a long time. I actually debated on sharing it with any more people than had already heard, but I felt it needed to be told if it would just help one person or make someone think a little harder about how they live their lives. This is why I shared the story with a group of 50-60 high school students and their parents during a second year confirmation class at St. Joseph's this past March. This is also why I shared it on a website run by very courageous women. This is also why I share it with you now as I choose to be silent, no more (this is most of the story- for my full testimony, visit Silent No More).
It all started my freshman year.I didn't think I was pregnant until one day I felt a little odd physically. I shared this news with my parents. My mom took me to a Planned Parenthood in Long Beach, CA. They did a pregnancy test, and it was positive. In a week or so, my abortion was planned. It was as if I had just gone in for something like a tonsillectomy or wisdom teeth removal.
Afterwards, I remember sharing about the abortion with people to try to get someone to feel sorry for me and help me. I was doing a bit of babysitting, and I remember just holding the little girl I was watching and crying, thinking about my baby. I met my husband in 1984, and we were married 1985. When we realized we wanted to get married, I knew I had to share with him about the abortion. He was very loving and understanding. The first couple of years of our marriage were really rough. I went through depression and later realized it was also post-traumatic stress disorder. We then moved to Oregon. We tried from the beginning of our marriage to get pregnant. It ended up taking us 4 1/2 years to be able to conceive, and I know it was partially due to what happened to my body during the abortion. The regret I felt kept making me wonder if I would ever be able to have another baby. Even during my pregnancy with our first child, I would often find myself feeling sad and missing the baby I had aborted.
During this time, I found some healing through a support group at Salem Alliance Church. I was able to pray and to start finding forgiveness during this time. In 2011, I reverted back to the Catholic Church. It was during this time and specifically going to confession that true and full healing started. Attending Mass, confession and spending time in front of the Blessed Sacrament has continued to open up more and more healing. I hope to have the opportunity to attend a Rachel's Vineyard Retreat in the next year.
In the last two years, I opened up to my four, now young adult, kids and shared with them about their half-sister. This was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Forgiveness and love surrounded us during this time and has continued to help us grow closer as a family.
One of the reasons I wanted to share with my kids is that my two boys have had an opportunity to be part of praying outside of abortion clinics, the March for Life in D.C. and other pro-life things. My kids and I have also been a part of 40 Days for Life. I told my kids that they are welcome to share my story if it will help someone they know at school or meet in part of their pro-life work. I have thought about sharing my story for quite a while now, but knowing this might help someone who is struggling with the thought of aborting their child or trying to find healing.
Please, if you read this and you are struggling with the after effects of abortion, visit the Silent No More website or contact me. Know that God loves you, and there is hope. There is always hope.